Although the idea of the injection of the penis into the vagina required time to adjust to, I feel now that my experience of masturbation helped me at the time to grasp or imagine the sexual experience.
Besides the problem of accepting oneself as a sexual being, another major
difficulty that plagues adolescents is their difficulty in social relationships. A third of
the boys and girls in Wolford study had had difficulty as children in establishing
friendships, and as adolescents a large percentage of them reported feelings of
inferiority and timidity which interfered with their social relationships, both to their
own age and with adults.
Shyness of my body and of bodies of the opposite sex had a great
influence on my sex life and dating pattern up until my junior year
in high school. I was quite content to just masturbate and dream.
Nor do adolescents know what it will mean to utilize sex as a positive factor in
encounters with members of the opposite sex.
I'm afraid that, ever since childhood, I've been oversexed. I
sometimes wonder about this. As far as I can determine, it was born
in me, for I can recall sexual excitement long before I learned the
"facts" about sex or began to think of sex with a certain morbid
excitement. Sexuality has had some very unusual and very
stimulating effects on me with certain emphasis on my mind, for
instance: occasionally I feel after an orgasm-serene and awake, as
if the power of my thought had been magnified ten-fold, or perhaps
merely my body is temporarily satisfied. I wonder if it will be so
when I get older. I can recall one occasion, when I experienced a
total serenity through sex.
A friend had invited me to an auction. At
one point I was standing in front of one of the tables, jammed
forward by the crowd. Behind me stood a girl, probably a young
married woman, on the plump side. She was watching the
auctioneer over my shoulder, and her thighs and belly were pressed
tightly against my behind. After a few minutes of this, I began to
feel an intense sexual excitement.
But the delightful thing was that
time seemed to have stood still, or rather my desires stood still,
quiescent, neither vanishing or overflowing. She couldn't have
pressed more tightly against me if I had been lying on her in bed. I
could feel the hardness of her garters against my legs, and she
must have been wearing a thin dress, because I was so conscious of
her warmth against me and the curious thing was that she kept
making slight movements, each one of which made my excitement
rise. I still don't know whether she was aware of my excitement,
and experienced it herself, but her movements seemed calculating,
a tiny wriggle that convinced me that I could actually feel her pubic
hairs against me.
After what seemed like a quarter of an hour (but
must have been much less), I could bear it no longer. I am sure she
must have felt the slight convulsions of the climax; as if in
response, her whole body pressed tight against me. I stood there,
very still, watching the auctioneer selling a large clock at what he
claimed was a fraction of the market value, and feeling as full of
sweetness as a barrel of sugar. It lasted all the time I stood there,
only a few minutes longer, because the selling stopped and some of
the crowd disappeared. The woman behind me went. I didn't turn
to look at her; I suppose I felt ashamed. And yet I felt no guilt, not a
shred, and all the way home that night there was complete serenity
inside me. I was a virgin then; I sometimes felt guilty about
masturbation (although never very much), but this was very
different; it had taken place out in the real world and yet it was like
a sexual daydream.