It is of more than passing interest that this girl, within a year after moving away from home, had been involved in necking, heavy petting, oral-genital contact, and sexual intercourse up to as frequently as three to four times per week. My mother always waited up for me to come home after dates. She always insisted on knowing where we were going and exactly what time the scheduled event would be over. If I arrived home later than half an hour after the function's finish (we always went for something to eat), I had to answer a number of pointed questions. I always dreaded those sessions, and, rather than telling her we had gone riding for an hour, which was all it amounted to, I would lie about having to stay late to clean up after the dance. My father was also most strict in his ideas about expression of affection in dating. One night after I had been going with a certain boy for about eight months, my father saw him kiss me good night in the car outside my home. When I went in, he told me I was never to go out after dark again. Reactions such as these instilled a great fear and feeling of guilt within me.
Because my parents desired to have the very best for me, they sent
me to a private, religious-affiliated high school. My father flew into
a rage every time a boy asked me out.
Mother waited behind the door at the proposed time of return to
check on the fond farewell, and make sure that they were not too
fond too. Many's the embarrassed boy who found a face peering at
him in the middle of a good night kiss.
My parents gave me a lot of guidance, but I often wished they had
been more strict with me.
Approved Parental Discipline
Adolescents as a rule are not unreasonably critical of their parents. Often they
approve of their parents' disciplinary action; this does not mean that the discipline is
necessarily of a permissive nature.
I was unable to date until I became fourteen and was confirmed,
and then I was not allowed to date anyone more that two years
older than I. (I recommend this procedure and plan to use it on my
own children.) When I questioned this discipline, I was told that
older boys have already dated a lot, and have different ideas about
dating. They often want to kiss more and do other things. Also, they
treated girls differently, which may make a girl feel that boys her
age are inferior.
My parents worked from these basic ideas: (1) each child should be
treated as an individual and allowed to seek his own ambitions. I
have never been compared to my sister and told, "Well, she can do
it-why can't you?" (2) I have never had strict rules set down for me.
Thus, I have never had rules to rebel against or argue with my
parents. My parents realized that situations vary so much that strict
rules don't always apply.They feel it is better to teach a child to make
decisions for himself. (3) My parents hold the policy that they will
always consider my requests and say "yes" whenever possible, unless
there is some very special reason to say "no." After giving their reply
careful consideration, they also explained to me logically the reason
for the answer. Thus, I could make my own decisions after that,
because I understood the situation. (4) My parents have always seen
to it that I was well aware of existing family problems, etc.They were
not impressed upon me, but rather that we could work them out as
a family group. This I feel made me better able to cope with my own
problems. (5) My parents always encouraged me to join in group
activities with other children like Brownies, Girl Scouts, church and
school organizations. I was never forced to do anything, but they
always presented me with the opportunities. The great trust my
parents have in me is shown by the responsibility they present me
with. I must admit that on a number of occasions I have been
downright shocked and almost frightened by some of these
responsibilities, but I also feel honored and thrilled to think that my
parents would trust me to such an extent.
Parents as Chaperones in Adolescent Dating
There are two basic ways in which parents can chaperone adolescent dating. One
is to accompany the couple when they date. This is completely out of fashion and
disapproved of in adolescent dating in the United States, except in the case of the
young adolescent who is not old enough to drive an automobile. In such cases the
parents may accompany their offspring to an event, may serve as chaperones at the
event, and may drive them home from the event. Chaperoned dating by parents or by
parent surrogates is still present in some societies; rural, southern Puerto Rico, for
example. The second way is for the parents to accompany their children as the
generalized other, that is, by socializing the children in such a way that the parental
standards are internalized and help to guide the adolescents' behavior in critical
periods of intimacy during dating.