It was not all I had expected, but very satisfying. I feel it was satisfying partly because now I had experience in the sex act. This action on our part virtually assured us that we would be going together for a long time. Not only because of the pleasure we received by the union, but we were held by a sort of common bond which no one else understood. Breaking up with a steady you have had intercourse with is extremely hard.
We lost our virginity to each other. I think we were both surprised
that it had actually happened, but neither of us was regretful. We
had not lost our respect for each other, but it had deepened. I had
come to terms with myself and that "old morality". I felt that I had
done what my love and the situation present had required of me. I
had done so freely and willingly, and I did not feel that we were
wrong. My greatest desire was to serve him, and be one with him in
our union. It was not a passing fancy or romantic illusion, but a
commitment to each other in a relationship of trust.
We loved each other so deeply, so sexual intercourse did not seem
bad or wrong. I was afraid of becoming pregnant after the first
time. I was also afraid, but to a lesser extent, that he might be
disappointed in me. He did not think anything bad of me.
She and I both experienced mixed emotions. She had tears in her
eyes because of what we had submitted to and I felt extremely sorry
that I had hurt her. Yet, we were both happy because we had
experienced the event which we thought would eventually make us
one.
I was eighteen at the time, and it was too long to wait to lose my
virginity. I remember reading somewhere that most of the great
Elizabethans lost theirs at about the age of twelve, and no one
thought anything of a girl having a baby at thirteen. Maybe that is
what is wrong with modern society, and the reason for the
overemphasis on sex. I know I should have had my first experience
at thirteen, when I became aware of my body. The five-year wait
was too long. I sometimes wonder if I shall ever be sexually healthy,
or if I shall always have a slightly "morbid" approach to sex because
of that long wait when it seemed to me that I was doomed to a
lifetime of frustration.
I told my steady I was truly sorry for having taken out another girl
merely for the purpose of having coitus. I meant it, but I don't think
I'd trade this experience for anything. In the first place, my
curiosity was quenched about intercourse. I knew what it was and I
liked it. But I also realized love and respect for a person means
much more than a one-night stand with a bed girl.
I had intercourse with her. Thus my ego was bolstered and now I
will be satisfied if I never have sexual intercourse until I marry. It
seems that I needed the experience to prove my manliness to
myself so I am therefore glad it is out of the way.
As I entered her body for the first time, I experienced a selfish
satisfaction, but also felt a warm glow towards this little girl who
trusted me so completely. I may have even had a slight twinge of
conscience because I had planned the whole thing.
If I "make out" with a girl and have in my mind the intention to
have sexual intercourse, I will demand of myself a penance which
might be giving up cigarettes for a day, which in painful because I
smoke quite a lot, or meditating for several hours on my knees
beside the bed without slouching. If I slouch, my penance is merely
extended. Heavy petting-such as digital stimulation of the
clitoris-might demand, for example, such a penance. I do not
consider what I have done to be wrong, but I pay my penance just in
case it is. I do it to take the doubt out of my mind. I will consider it
wrong and thus play it safe.