One of the most popular sex codes among teenagers is referred to in the
literature as permissiveness-with-affection (Reiss, 1964), meaning that if one feels
affection toward one's partner, or is in love with them, one should be more permissive
and intimate than one would otherwise be.
Inside myself there was a strange struggle. For while I was taught
petting was simply terrible and that nice girls don't do things like
that, I didn't feel it was wrong. My boyfriend meant a lot to me, and
I did not feel we were committing any sin.
She would break out in tears, insisting that our activity was
terribly wrong, and I, unable to dismiss the guilt, would rationalize
by telling her we hadn't had intercourse, and that the rest of our
activities were justified by love.
Permissiveness-with-affection is especially popular among adolescents who are
involved in a steady relationship, even though that relationship may be relatively
short-lived. According to Sorensen, adolescents intend to "love and be loved" several
times before they marry (Sorensen, 1973, p. 369).
I felt then, and still feel, that virginity is a state of mind; that love
is pure and beautiful given the right situation, even though it may
have been experienced before.
Yet, of steady daters who had had coitus at the time of the Sorensen study, nearly half
(47 percent) had had no more than one partner (Sorensen, 1973, p. 218, 433).
For older teenagers who are involved in steady relationships, permissivenesswith-
affection is especially the prevalent moral standard.
Both the boy and the girl
accept for each other what they are doing together. They combine sex with affection,
and they use affection as one of the key justifications of the sexual act.
Kissing was all right when you were just dating a guy.
When you
were going steady, however, it was permissible to go a little further.
Petting was all right after you had gone steady so long. It depends
on how both felt about it.
Petting was always initiated by the boy.
You never 'made out' with a boy unless you really liked him. (I
guess I should have said, 'loved him.')
I believe the reason she allowed our dating intimacy to go as far as
it did was because of a 'permissiveness-with-affection' belief on her
part.
I encouraged this by trying to be as affectionate as I could be,
but I did this out of love for this girl, and not because I wanted
sexual satisfaction.
I felt no cultural or social inhibitions about our
relationship, and I thought what we were doing was proper and
right because we were in love.