She (my steady) cried all the rest of the night. I (fifteen years old) told myself that I would never try it again until I got married. I felt that I had committed a major sin and every time I saw her I felt bad again so never took her out again.
I didn't enjoy myself in my first experience with sex because there
was no resistance at all. Sort of like playing a competitive sport
when your opponent is not trying. When one football team gets
ahead forty to nothing then all incentive to play is lost.
I felt that I should lose my virginity, since most of my friends had. I
took out a girl with a "reputation" and had intercourse. I was
terribly let down. While I was with her, I was very scared both of
being caught and also of doing something wrong. When it was over
I felt like spitting on the girl.
Later I began to feel guilty about what I had done. Not guilty for
her sake, but for my own. It was then I began to realize what moral
values I held, and that what I did went against them.
During the following weeks, I realized that it actually is not worth
all the worry, grief, pain, fear, anguish, etc. that premarital sexual
intercourse can bring. I cannot get myself to believe that there is
enough satisfaction and enjoyment out of it to counterbalance how
discontented I felt.
I am no longer a virgin. I have no excuses to make for myself for
this and don't know why I did it. I keep asking myself why, but I
have no answers. Following that night, I no longer wanted to date
him, and I don't think he really cared one way or another. So we
didn't date anymore. With my virginity went my self-respect.
Though I can't bring back my virginity, I can and am trying very
hard to bring back my self-respect. It hurts me now when a fellow
does get fresh, because I want him so much to like me for myself,
not for what sex he can get out of me.
The experience taught me
that the sex drive is nothing to fool around with, neither with a
woman or a man. I don't know what kind of effect it had or has on
me regarding sex. I do think it was a very serious mistake, and
something I don't plan on happening again until after I am
married. I do not think of sex as anything ugly, even though my
experience wasn't beautiful.
Being the first time for either of us, it was impulsive, awkward, and
even ugly. I felt like I had just become a man, but it left her
depressed; she cried and refused to see me for days.
The next day she came over to where I was working with two of her
friends. She was very proud of the fact that we had had sexual
intercourse, and had told her friends. This bothered me very much
because I had considered our affair more personal than that.
I don't think that the intercourse lasted more than two minutes at
the most, but the sensation seemed to last forever. The trauma that
she experienced must have been much more than that I
experienced. She didn't sleep at all that night, and when I took her
home the next day, she was still not sure that we should not talk to
a priest. We never went to any sort of counselor, and apparently the
initial shock wore off her, because we had intercourse again and it
became a part of our relationship. For me, intercourse rounded out
my personality in my estimation. I am rather aggressive naturally,
and this rather toned me down. I was practically bursting with
pride in myself at having proved that I was a man, and I wanted
desperately to tell someone what I had done, but for her sake I
didn't. I am still enchanted with her a little, I suppose. I suspect I
will never forget her as being the first girl I ever had.