The limits of our lovemaking were extended much too far from the
beginning so that boredom with in our just necking and petting
came early in our relationship.
Sex seemed like something dirty to me, and I feared that further
sexual involvement would destroy my image of her. I felt that we
had warmth toward each other from the heart, and that this
warmth was the single most important and necessary element in
our relationship.
I think we were doomed from the time when I first placed my hand
upon her breast. It was the start of something that completely
overpowered us. We both enjoyed our sexual relations, and it
practically ruined both our lives. We were both immature and also
very lucky. However, I am thankful for this experience. It has given
me a much more broad and mature outlook toward interpersonal
relations. Now when I date a girl and feel stimulated toward her, I
think back and remember how close I came to ruining a pair of
lives, and somehow then I am no longer stimulated. Hopefully this
experience has now placed my values in such a position that when I
fall in love with a girl, any physical relation which may develop will
be kept to a minimum.
We got so completely caught up in this sexual exploration that all
other aspects of our relationship suffered.
It was time to leave, so I drove my date home, and told her that I
never wanted to see her again after that first experience for me of
petting to orgasm. After this date, my feelings toward dating and
promiscuity were very skeptical. I was in a state of confusion. After
talking to my peers and friends, I found out that this type of thing
happens when two people are sexually aroused.
By the time we broke up, we had shed many tears and felt the
frustration that accompanies a social taboo on what had be come
our most common mutual activities. We had continued to enjoy
parts of our relationship, though we found that it had be come too
physical to continue, leaving us little to do when we weren't in the
front seat of my car or on the bed in her house.
Perhaps if society
had allowed us complete sexual freedom, we would have spared
each other much pain with little risk (for I always carried condoms
and even put one on on several occasions), but as the situation
stood, our consciences would not permit the satisfaction we sought,
nor would our relationship terminate without much lingering
sexual desire for each other. We both felt morally obligated to abide
by each other's standards, but could not understand the real why in
our seemingly blind acceptance of these standards.
A big part of my problems was that I was scared of him, of his
penis. Actually, I had never seen one or knew what one looked like,
but it seemed repulsive to me. I couldn't accept him fully or give
myself fully because I had this barrier. Also, because I held back so
much, he eventually had to initiate any activity and then I felt
constantly like I was being "dragged into it." I never allowed a
desire, and therefore very little participation.