As our sixth grade progressed we were thrown together
many times for long bus rides as part of
the school band and that summer proved our undoing.
It was truly the summer of our discontent.
The
band began its rounds of parades, each of which
carried with it a magical third world of fantasy
called a carnival.
On these hot afternoons, our
group would make the circuit of the fair grounds
trying our skill at the various games of chance,
only to be followed by an innocent group of girls.
Our desire to prove athletic supremacy within the
group spread to a desire to please our shadowy
female following.
We had all known our prospective
positions within our clique before, but now a new
frontier was upsetting the balance of power and the
fight for status was on. Little did we know our
future was already laid out for us.
When the girls
noticed our exposed intentions, they were quick to
tie the noose and there was no escape. That summer
two worlds fused into one which was entirely different
than anything that I had experienced before.
We did everything as a group.
This was a world I did not understand. A
strange feeling accompanied all these adven
tures done as a group.
My thoughts were cen
tered on my girl in the group and how always to
do the right thing in her eyes. I think we felt
more like friends than anything else, but I knew
what those older than I expected of us, and
group pressure finally won out.
Coming home from
a bus trip at night, I kissed her on the cheek.
She didn't dare look at me. I shuddered and
looked the other way. Not a word was spoken the
rest of our trip.
The next morning was like a hangover. Never
had I had such a touch of conscience. I remem
ber distinctly the argument that went on within
me. I knew that someday I could look back on
this incident and laugh but the hurt was strong
and I knew it wouldn't be today or tomorrow.
The following case is a good example of how an "innocent" physical
encounter for a preadolescent boy became the occasion for his sexual
awakening, ushering in a whole new attitude toward girls.
My awakening came one day when my girl cousin,
who was four years older than I, and I were
wrestling on the couch.
She was in control and I
soon found myself underneath her and was ready
to privately acknowledge defeat. Suddenly she
started showering kisses on my face.
I protested
with shouting and vows that I wasn't
going to stand for this situation any longer.
She calmly said to be quiet or that our parents
would hear.
This continued for about five or ten
minutes and I found my aversions to being kissed
gradually declining. We kissed with mutual consent
for perhaps five or six times with each
kiss lasting about ten seconds.
During the
remainder of her visit, I avoided her. I would
have liked to go back to the couch and her, but
I was afraid to do it.
I guess I wasn't sure if
I had done something wrong or not. I realized
from that time on that I could never interact
with a girl by treating her as a boy again. Mysteriously,
I began to feel differently when I
was around females than when I was near males.
It was the first sexual encounter in which I was
consciously aware of being a participant and
having sexual feelings.
This first encounter
seems "purer" in some sense because the sexual
feelings sprang up in me without my having had
any knowledge of human sexuality before it took
place.
Our later meetings were friendly, but the
times when we would engage in rough play
together were gone forever.