There is not a great deal of variety in the sexual encounters
involving the child three to seven years old and his parents (usually
his mother), at least insofar as data on middle-class children is
concerned.
The encounters are mostly symbolic (verbal) rather than
direct tactile encounters. Parent, usually mother, has the upper hand
and her response to sexual activity of her child is characterized by
negative injunctions, ambiguous responses, postponed responses, and
definitions of the situation in non-sexual terms whenever possible.
These patterns of parental response will be illustrated in the cases
that follow.
We turn first to some cases in which the role of the adult other
(usually the mother) is characterized by negative injunction and unambiguous
instruction coupled at times with other negative behavior.
It
is important to bear in mind that these are encounters recalled from
childhood by the child, not by the parent. The parent might well have a
different recall of the encounter; but it does not matter-we want to
see how the event influenced the child, not the parent.
In the first case, the mother responds to a four year old's masturbation
with harsh words which inspire some feeling of guilt but not
enough to interrupt the pattern of behavior.
I was about four years old at the time, and had
recently discovered masturbation. I was found
one day by my mother as she looked in at me during
my usual afternoon nap.
I was lying naked on
the bed in the process of stimulation. I was not
physically punished but did receive a few harsh
words that inspired some degree of guilt in me.
I have continued masturbation. Masturbation was
a substantial part of my early life.
In the next case the mother's reaction to a similar situation is
marked by negative affect ("she was shocked"), negative injunction
("told me not to do it anymore") and unambiguous behavior ("spanked
me"). When I (a three or four year old boy who had
discovered the pleasant sensation of masturbation)
excitedly showed my mother, she was
shocked, told me not to do it anymore and
spanked me. Then she never mentioned it again.
The child quickly learned that this pleasant sexual experience was
not something to be shared with his mother. The fact that she "never
mentioned it again" is significant. Children remember being admonished
"not to do it anymore."
In many non-sexual things that the child does
the mother stops the activity but promises the child that he can do it
later, or can do it when he is old enough. Not so with sexual activity;
children do not recall that the negative injunction is ever removed
by the mother saying, "Now it is alright to do it." Because of
this negative reaction of the parents, children masturbate with feelings
of guilt.
Masturbation then becomes a "group" rather than an individual
activity since mother or father, with negative response, is
present as a significant other in the child's fantasy, disapproving of
his activity as he masturbates.
"Show it" activity is also apt to be met by negative injunction or
unambiguous instruction ("never do such a thing again") resulting in
confusion for the child.We saw no harm in this (boy and neighbor girl
stripping to examine each other) but our parents
scolded us, and told us never to do such a
thing again. This troubled me, my body was not
to be seen by anyone except myself.