The morning sun provided a blanket of momentary security for Jes as she sat in the middle of her hotel bed. The winds sung of strength as its' melodic voice crashed against the frail building. The constant gunfire from the western television show didn't seem to trouble Jes as she held herself and rocked in a trance. Sitting to her right, laid the letter from Marvin and on the floor a box that she brought with her. Jes spent the weekend in a Hollywood hotel in an attempt to make sense of everything that she had gone through in the past few months.
She hadn't eaten.
She hadn't bathed or brushed her teeth since she checked into the room
Friday afternoon. Her hair, which was typically in a fresh style weekly,
laid flat atop her head and she had a musty body odor. Jes continued to
rock as the hotel maids knocked at her door, as they did everyday, to see
if she would like to have her room cleaned. With this being Jes' third day
in the hotel and with it not being cleaned since she checked into it, the
hotel staff took it upon themselves to call Jes' room.
"Hello," Jes said solemnly.
"No, I don't want to have my room
cleaned. I do thank you for asking."
Jes hung up the phone without allowing the caller the opportunity to
further advance the conversation. Jes sulked until her sulking turned to
tears. She began to question herself. Her thinking, her actions, her life
and it made her furious. She stood and reached for the glass ashtray
that rested atop the nightstand and threw it across the room. She pulled
the blankets off of the bed and threw them to the floor. Jes began
screaming I hate you at the top of her voice as she looked in the mirror.
With tears streaming down her face, Jes began to pull her hair out and
rip her clothing off of her body, telling herself that she didn't deserve to
live and that she needed to be renewed.
She told herself that living was
an honor for those people who worked to live their lives in GOD's eyes.
Jes again told herself that she was worth less than a prostitute. She
looked at her image in the mirror and punched it. Blood began to drip
from her hand as she asked her broken image if the pain that she felt in
her heart and soul was as painful as its shattered image? Jes fell to the
floor screaming why as she laid naked on her back looking to heaven for
an answer.
Tranquility entered the room as Jes laid motionless on the floor. The
commotion from Jes' room summoned the hotel management. There
were knocks and calls at the door, but Jes ignored them. She had placed
the extra lock on the door, so she didn't anticipate anyone bursting into
her room. Jes lay exhausted, completely silent. The knocks on the door
dissipated and the wrath in Jes seemed to calm. After a few moments of
solitude, Jes rose from the floor and walked slowly to the bathroom. Jes
looked in the large wall mirror that hung over the sink. She saw the
damage that she had caused to herself and it brought tears to her
already moist eyes.
The screaming had caused her voice to be a little
sore, so her cry was a silent one. Jes closed the lid of the toilet and sat
down. She reached into the bathtub to turn the shower on. She thought
that a hot shower would wash the feeling of uselessness away. As the
water ran, Jes placed her hand into the warming water to rinse the
clogged blood from it. The shower seemed to be the outlet that Jes
needed. It calmed her. It gave her a sense of self worth, of cleanliness.
She was refreshed. Jes opened the door and fanned the steam out of the
bathroom then wiped away the fog that covered the mirror. She saw
another image of herself, but this time she saw the beautiful person that
she knew she was. Jes began to curl her hair and apply make-up to her
jagged image.