"Why do they yell at you?" "So everybody else knows not to do it."
Bread Crumbs
"Count, what if everybody acted like it was their last
day on earth?"
"There would be a lot of sick calls."
"Maybe that's why we're sitting here by ourselves."
"Heck, we can't all just up and quit living like there is a
tomorrow, even if we don't know if there is."
"Are you sure you didn't mean, if there isn't a
tomorrow?"
"What's the difference?"
"Count, I have to talk to you about something important.
I guess now is as good a time as any."
"What's up buddy? You sound so serious."
"Well, I am. I'm not quite sure how to put this, so I'll
just say it. I'm tired; I don't like the way you treat your
relationship with your wife."
"Huh?"
"This isn't coming out the way I had intended. I suppose
I just need to blurt it out and commence with the drinking
or the ass-whooping."
"What the."
"Let me fi nish. A woman I believe to be your wife spoke
with me a couple months ago about investigating you. I am
not sure what I was thinking when I told her I'd consider it,
and I am not sure what I am doing now."
"Man I'm glad it was you, and not somebody else. I
could be in big fuckin' trouble!"
"You may not be so glad; all this time, I've been shooting
video, and taking pictures, all stuff that will prove beyond a
shadow of a doubt that you are cheating on your wife."
"What do you mean by doing all this, Heck?" he was
visibly getting confused and angry.
"Well, I haven't told Claire anything, but I have a lot of
evidence against you. Back when she fi rst spoke with me, I
started making video recordings of your actions. Some of
the time, I was quite relieved to catch you doing great things.
One time, I caught you changing a tire for an old couple, and
another time I followed you to a hospital where you visited
a friend who had been stricken with the West Nile Virus.
My task got really tough when I started catching you doing
things that may not please your wife so much."
"So what are you gonna do?"
"Nothing for now. We're going to have to talk about it
later, Wissehruhr is here for role call." Saved by the bell.
"If he walks in with the Major, everybody better grab
onto something. The suction could take your hat off." Count
is still not taking this very serious.
Normally, I could not stand Frank Wissehruhr. He was
one of the shift supervisors, and would run shift today. But
today, he distracted Count from making me make a decision,
and gave me some much needed time to think.
Wissehruhr's philosophy of leadership in corrections is
whoever is yelling the loudest is the boss. We jokingly call
it dynamic subordinancy. The most maddening fl aw in his
character was making critical assessments of others in front
of everybody.
Our role-call got our collective asses chewed. Nobody
knows if it was the cause, or just a coincidence, but we were
also introduced to the department's latest toy purchase that
morning. At the entry point to the facility was a new metal
detector. Not the same walk-through that visitors have had
to pass through for years, but a conveyor belt contraption
devised to scan all briefcases, lunch boxes, purses, or any
other container that someone may wish to carry into the
facility. The intention of the device was to keep out a
variety of contraband, stepping up the security and safety
for everybody involved. Many of us just saw it as another
way to harass us on our way into the building, reminding
us once again that the inmates have more rights than we do.
With that in mind, we decided to have a little fun with the
machine, and anybody unfortunate enough to be posted at
the front desk.
We took some garlic rolls, wrapped then in tin foil shapes
like guns and knives, and then we chewed star crunches into
weapon shapes as well. Goben was extra nasty. He took a
chicken leg and thigh and wrapped it in tin foil so it looked
like a large pistol.
"Roll Call. We've been getting reports that indicate
a possible situation on the yard today. I want front-yard
presence, I want south-yard presence, and I want gymnasium
presence."
G-Rad, the self-proclaimed Asatru whispered, "I want
Christmas presents!" Wissehruhr did not hear G-Rad, but
he could not help hearing the burst of laughter coming from
my table.
Frank used a professional tone that suggested authority,
to quell his own panic, "Look people, it is as straightforward
as following Hansel and Gretel's trail of bread crumbs."
I did not have the heart to remind him that the birds ate
the fucking bread crumbs, and that was why the fairy-tail
fairies got lost in the fi rst place. Anybody with enough
elementary education thought he looked like a complete
buffoon. In this setting, he was pretty safe. I still made
the mistake of speaking, "Try not to get your panties all in
a wad there sir."
"Batiste, see me after roll call."
This would not be pretty.