Do-It-Yourself

Chapter 9

"It isn't worth the risk. What if you get caught?" "Man, I promise I'll quit soon. I'm like this close to being able to suck my own dick. As soon as I can, I'll give up all my girlfriends."

Do-It-Yourself

We are magnifi cent stewards of the taxpayer's dollar. I spent the entire day watching a truck belonging to Terminix. The state paid them to salvage a crumbling building by spraying it for termites. My entire day was spent shooing away inmates with too many questions. Some of them, however, were very entertaining.

"Why would a termite eat that piece of shit I call home?"
"Come on, don't be silly. A termite will eat anything cellulose; paper, wood, insulation, especially if there is a gap between the brick fascia and the frame."
"Hey Batiste, check out that termite guy's hose! Have you ever rolled out that much hose?"
"Ha-ha, very funny mother-fucker."
"Hey Batiste, speaking of long hoses, can you do audiofelatio?"
"What's that, where I listen to you sucking my dick?"
"No Silly, it's where you do it yourself."
"That would be auto-felatio, you dumbfuck."
"That sounds like you're doing it in a car."
"I watched my brother doggy-style a chick in the backseat of a car once."

"Batiste, can you do.what did you call it?"
"Auto-fellatio?"
"Yah, auto-fellatio?"
"Two things: If I could, I would not tell you; and again, if I could, I would not be here."
"Well, I'm getting close," as he holds two fi ngers up within an inch of each other. "I don't wanna hear that shit!"
"Ya know how I stretch?"
"No, but why don't you tell YOUR caseworker."
"I lay on my back on the fl oor, with my head about two or three feet from a wall, slow my breathing, pull my excess stomach out of the way, and throw my legs up to the wall behind me. Then I walk my feet down the wall until my knees touch the fl oor by my ears."
"Stop."
"Then I start spreading my knees out, watching my wiener get closer to my face."

"STOP!"
"Didn't you ever want to suck your own dick?"
"I could do it when I was 17 years old and weighed 130 lbs, but shortly into my military career, I had more volunteers than I knew what to do with. At that time, I could have modeled the proper method for them, but they were all performing suffi ciently. No correction was necessary. I've since lost the desire and the fl exibility."
At home in my bedroom, I began stretching my back, just to see if I could touch my knees next to my ears.

"Dude, that's like having your father-in-law eavesdrop the clothes-lines-conversation between you and his granddaughter's panties."

Midget Probation

Most weekends at the Nebraska State Penitentiary are slow and quiet. We like it that way. The last weekend in May of 2006 looked like a damn Oompa-Loompa convention. Every little short fucker in the joint wanted to appeal their case because a Judge out in the Western part of the state from Sidney gave 10 years probation to a chimo because he was small in stature. She was concerned that he would be a target for foul play in state prison because of his small size. He raped a 12-year-old girl for Christ's sake. I do not care if he was only 5'1" and only 130 lbs. We already house inmates of that size. I suppose that is why they are lined up at the door to the office.

I can hear the ribbing already from our neighboring states. "They're getting tough on chimos in Kansas; now there is no height restriction." I can hear the ribbing from my non-correctional friends and relatives. "We'll send photos of them to the judge to see if they can get out due to their vertically challenged status."

"Remember the day Kinney brought the dehydratedsalted prunes? I would rather give Sasquatch a rim-job than eat another one of those. Those motherfuckers could have been dehydrated duck gallbladders for all I know."

Bar Tricks

"I felt I was being cheated in my marriage. I felt entitled to more."
"So you don't go out and get more from somebody else."
"What am I supposed to do then?"
"You fi x what you have, and get more out of that. That is how a marriage works."
"I really tried."
"Why did you quit trying?"
"I got the feeling that she wasn't."
"Did you talk to her about it?"
"No."
"Why the hell not?"
"I didn't think it would help."
"And now you will never know, will you?"
"I guess I could try again, and see if she wants to talk about it?"
"What are you going to do if she says no?"
"I don't know."
"You're going to keep trying, stupid. What the fuck do you think this whole conversation has been about?"
"All right, I'll keep trying. I guess it's worth it."
"You guess?"
"Okay, it is."

"Who are you trying to convince? If you don't think it's worth it, you owe her an explanation, and an agreeable divorce."
"I don't want to divorce her."
"And why the hell not?"
"I guess I love her."
"Again with the guessing!"
"Do you want another drink, or are you going to keep grilling me?"
"Okay, change the subject. How's your back?"
"My back hurts. I went home and did 10 minutes worth of snatch work last night after I got done training with the lesbian lady."
"Snatch, as in weights?"
"How did you know my back was bothering me? I ain't said nothing about it?"
"Uh, I.Oh I don't know. Maybe I saw you bending over in pain or something. How did you do it?"
"I was changing a tire for an older couple on my way home. It'll be okay, it's just a little stiff."

"Like your pecker, eh?"
"Ha-ha, Fuck you, Batiste!"
"You know, maybe you should see a chiropractor. I've always had a bad back, but mine was aggravated by not having furniture."
"I've been to a chiropractor before. He just told me my x-rays look like I'd been hit by a trash truck."
"Hey, did you see the news? There has been another video released by the rug-riders."
"We can't fi nd a 6'6" towel-head on dialysis, but we fi nd the one bovine in Saskatchewan with Mad Cow disease. I say let those people look for Bin Laden."
"Count, the cows aren't hiding."
A barmaid shows up with a Morgan, knowing Count's drink.
"The woman's prime is killing me. When I was 18, I was afraid of standing up at the wrong time, thinking I might have a spontaneous erection."
Another barmaid checks on us. "Is everything ok gentlemen?"

"You got any caffeine-free diet orange Shasta?"
"No."
"I guess I'll have to have a Bud."
"Why do you always ask for that?"
"Because I don't want it to be a lie when I tell my wife that I tried to ask for a pop fi rst."
Our poker partners arrive in the middle of a conversation.
"Nothing sticks to him; the mother fucker is Tefl on."
"He is a 14-carat chicken-shit."
"What the fuck did you just put in your Zima?"
"Jolly Rancher."
"Dude, only pussies drink Zima, and only chicks put Jolly Ranchers in them. Can't you just drink a beer or something?"
"This place doesn't have any real beer. All they have on tap is the typical swill. Can't you take me someplace that carries Heineken or St. Pauli Girl?"

"Why would you want to ruin a good beer with a goldfi sh?"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
As he produces a zip-loc bag from his jacket, Count proclaims, "We're putting these in our beers. You have to drink it before the fi sh poops in your beer."
"You are not putting a goldfi sh in my drink, and if you do, I will not drink it!"
"Oh, c'mon Heck, play nice."
"You fuckers are crazy; I haven't drank goldfi sh since I was in the Corps. What's next, funnels? Then can we light our farts? Count, why does everything have to be a macho contest?"