"My Duong is not going to like this!"
"What am I gonna tell My Duong?"
"Where is My Duong?"
"Don't you know?"
"Is My Duong here?"
"My Duong is not going to like this!"
"I get the feeling My Duong is discharging soon."
Drippy and the Bushwackers
"I'd go back to Ellis Island and demand a refund."
I want to speak to a nurse who has ever been responsible
for recording the newborn baby's name from the birth mother.
Are they allowed to suggest spelling if the parents do not,
or are they obligated (by Hippocratic Oath or something) to
hear out the choice of the parent?
Semaj told me his mother wanted to name him James,
but she was dyslexic. That would lead me to believe that she
wrote the name on the birth certifi cate, or that she wrote it out
the way she wanted it prior to her arrival at the hospital.
Furkat told me his name was Russian for pussy-fur.
That sounds believable, looking at it, but who would believe
a mother would do such a thing?
Hair'l told me his mother was a crack ho, and did not
know how to spell. This name makes me wonder why the
nurse allowed it and did not just tell the woman that it should
be spelled Harold. The nurse allowed the mother to doom
the poor child to a life time of unemployment and ridicule.
Once in a great while, one of them fi nds success, and
now there will be a bazillion baby boys named and spelled
Dwyane.
I have not even begun to poke fun at nicknames.
Mississippi was nick-named because that is where he
was from. I never knew what part, but it had to be from
wherever they grew the largest, stupidest, redneck hillbillies.
Mississippi was growing tired of Nebraska, and vice versa.
He was fi nished with his sentence in Nebraska, but was
being held on a detainer so he could serve some additional
Federal time in his home state. All he was waiting for was
a ride from the appropriate transportation authorities, and
they were taking their sweet-ass time getting here. The cost
of the Nebraska per diem rate they were being charged to
continue to house him was not reason to get in a hurry.
"Hey Batiste, I think I seen me a bear last night."
"There ain't been any bear around here since Caesar
was a road guard."
"No silly, I was dreamin'."
"Well, wake the fuck up."
"If Mississippi don't come get me soon, I'm gonna have
to start acting a fool."
"Will you please inform us when you begin to do
that? Otherwise, I'm not sure we'll be able to tell the
difference."
"They said they would be here last month. What the
fuck is takin' them so long?"
"You're a victim of optimistic scheduling."
"My lawyer is trying to act like a judge. She is not very
experienced, so she'll have to get her knees dirty."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, it's not who you know, it's who you."
"What do you mean?"
"She'll have to learn to speak into the microphone
properly."
"What does that have to do with getting your knees
dirty? Is the mike stand broke?"
You might think that I have some perspective on the
rhetorical question, "Knowing what you know now, would
you go back and change anything?"
"Hey, who's that? Didn't she used to work for
Corrections?"
"Butterface."
"Butterface?"
"Yah, everything looks good, but-her-face! She
got walked out for planning to fuck. She even went to
a pharmacist for the pill. Said she wanted to control her
period."
"She could just as easily have gone to the pharmacy and
said, "Give me the pill, I'm gonna fuck." Every pharmacist
in the world knew the long list of excuses. I mean, why be
coy?"
"Her Indian-name is Two-Butts. She's got a very large
butt in the back where it belongs, but she got a butt in the
front where it don't as well."
A female case manager, Jan Liang, was fat and ugly,
but she would lay down with her legs in the air, and wrap
them around any inmate that would join her in the chemical
closet. That description needs some clarifi cation: Jan was
not quite three bills, and she had some redeeming qualities.
She would also occasionally get on top. She would bring in a
dozen Krispy Kremes and say, "Don't even look at them."
Once upon a time, Jan lived in a climate controlled
storage facility for $50 a month. As long as she had a place
to put her shit, and nobody checked on her, she could work
and hang out at the bars, going home with whomever she
pleased, or got the best offer from, she did not have to spend
much time in her Army cot at the storage facility.
Jan always wore silk boxers and would say, "Silk boxers
are not underwear, they are only-wear, designed for quick
removal." Inexplicably, there was no shortage of women in
Jan's category. She hit on everybody, including me.
"Where were you the last few days, laying in bed sick,
or hoping to get lucky?"
"I took a few days off for a family funeral."
"Oh yah, who died?"
"My grandmother on my mother's side. She was my last
living grandparent."
"Were you close?"
"Nah. My wife liked her because she was rich. She
always sent her birthday cards and shit like that."
"Do you think it'll help with an inheritance?"
"Fuck no. That old lady had Alzheimer's so bad, she
couldn't remember her own name. She'd never remember
to favor anybody. Her brother's got it too. In fact when
he showed up at the funeral with his wife, we had a little
conversation as I was helping them out of the car. He says,
"Who are you?"
I tell him, "We're related. Your sister is my
grandmother."
He says, "My sister.is she here?"
I tell him, "She not only here, she's the reason we're
here."
Then he says, "She's your grandma huh? How's that
workin' out for ya?"
I guess he knew her well, and was subtly (not only
subconsciously, but unconsciously) hinting that she could
make things diffi cult at times.
Then he gets a visual on two of my three brothers, and
gets a brief recollection, "Well, I see three of you, was the
other one arrested?"
"I went to a family funeral recently, but I'm not sure
if I can explain my relationship to the deceased without a
family tree."
"Is it that complicated?"
"My biggest thing is."
I am silently thinking, "Your butt?"
"The man was my step-mom's uncle, but he was divorced
from her mom. The only reason my mother wanted to go
was so she wouldn't lose contact with her cousin. They had
become very good friends, and they had slept together on
occasion when they were little. I guess they had their fi rst
game of doctor together."
"Are you sure you should be telling me all this?"
"My other biggest thing is."
I am silently thinking, "Your gut?"
"I was reunited with my half-step-sister there, because
my biological father left when I was just 10-years old, and my
step-dad and mom divorced just so he could get Medicaid.
Sometimes I'm not sure I can follow it myself."
"That's not a family tree, that's a bush. In fact, it is
multiple intertwined bushes. Jan, you have a sculpted family
hedge."
"That bothers me because I feel very spiritual."
"You're not spiritual, you're just high."