"I refuse to believe in a God who wants to be worshipped
all the time."
-- Bertrand Russell
Gideon's and Potato Peels
Back in the day, when inmates could smoke, one of the
fi rst transitions to a non-smoking environment was to make
them stand in the red square while smoking. The red square,
of course, was the only smoking area on the yard. This one
idiot would stand there butt-naked with a screaming hard-on
going through his morning ritual. He was also the guy that
would rub one out 20 times a day.
An inmate outside of the red square was spotted
smoking by a tower observation post, so a strip search was
performed. He was found with altered batteries, but no
tobacco. When this report reached the housing unit staff,
we were just preparing his new contract and job description
as a housing unit porter. For kicks, we added the text, "This
is a non-smoking position." It is widely known that inmates
use batteries or wires to light their tobacco. Batteries work
great if you have steel wool and toilet paper. Toilet paper
is easy to fi nd, but the steel wool is not. Stripped wires,
better known as "Stingers" are also used. You simply stick
the wire in the electrical outlet, and wait for the end to
get hot and provide your spark. Tobacco is easy to get,
but expensive, and the sellers do not always provide rolling
papers. Gideon's would cringe at the thought, but their
annual visit to the penitentiary is welcomed for the wrong
reasons. Inmates collect as many bibles as they can, because
the pages make great rolling papers. Inmates, who can not
afford the tobacco, tell me the next best thing is potato peels.
I think I would just try to quit. Most of the inmates that get
caught traffi cking tobacco are reported by the very staff
member that sold it to them. The inmate gets set-up, and
you look like employee of the year.
People try to set you up all the time. "Thank God He's
Locked Up. Have you seen that show?"
It is best not to lie and say, "Yes, I've heard of that." If
you never have.
Do not even say, "It's vaguely familiar."
You may get the response, "Well, they should make
one."
Inmates do get their paybacks. Four inmates got together
and requested a copy of The Stand, by Steven King. The
fi rst three all received it immediately because all three copies
the library had were miraculously present. This provoked
suspicion and the inmates were subsequently queried and
interrogated regarding their simultaneous need. They all
claimed that their caseworker has asked them to get it for
him, so he could fi nish reading it at work. The caseworker
claimed to know nothing about the arrangement.
On another occasion, to get some paybacks, an inmate
gets a hooker friend on the outside to fi nd a particular guard
on the outside and fuck him while collecting the condom
with the sperm in it. Then the inmate cries rape on the
inside and produces the evidence he wiped his ass with.
The inmate had another inmate steal the unit handcuffs,
cuffed himself to the bed and stuffed a toy broom handle in
his own ass. He then blamed the caseworker for doing it to
him. This set-up looked very compelling; since the inmate
had a condom with his own bloody shit on it, with the staff
member's sperm inside.
Both set-ups resulted in the staff being suspended
pending investigation.
"I can shoot with my left hand, I can shoot with my right
hand.I'm amphibious."
-- Charles Shackleford
I Won't Forget the Little People
We have some helaciously talented athletes residing
at the Nebraska State Penitentiary. Obviously, I can not
name them, but they range from Super-bowl participants to
college bowlers. More frequently, we have dreamers, who
think they are the next Ron Lefl ore, who was recruited by
Billy Martin, then manager of the Detroit Tigers, out of the
Michigan Penal system back in the summer of '73. Inmate
Hafl as was a basketball player, pending parole, who claimed
to actually have a try out pending his release.
The facility often hosted town teams and semi-pro clubs
that needed some variance in their competition. Many of
those clubs entered the facility thinking they would have a
cake-walk coming, only to get trounced by an organized
group of inmates who had nothing to do all day everyday
but play ball together. Hafl as claimed that today's opposing
team had a coach who scouted for the New York Knicks.
Due to a fi ght involving Hafl as's celly, his cell was
temporarily secured, and nobody could enter it, other than
staff, until the investigation was complete. Hafl as returned
to his cell after eating lunch.
"Ten down." Hafl as called for his cell to be opened.
"Your cell is secured pending investigation. I can not
open your door for you at this time," came the professional
response from the control station offi cer.
"I'll just get in quick and grab my Jordan's, go head, open
it up," Hafl as knew this often worked with inexperienced
control station offi cers.
"Hafl as, if you have a problem with my orders, take it
up with the caseworker. I can not open your door at this
time."
"Where is your new post, under the Lieutenant's
desk?"
"Hafl as, I'm just enforcing orders."
"Well, you just go and get Batiste then."
"I'm sorry Mr. Hafl as. I can not abandon my post to
appease you. You will just have to fi nd him yourself."
"But dude, I gots to get my shit so I can get my game on;
you just don't unastan.widdout my Jordan's, I ain't gonna
ha my game! Why it gotta be like dat?"
"I will not risk my job, just so you can get your gear,
Mr. Hafl as."
"But they bringin' a scout!"
"I don't care if they are bringing ESPN."
"You better check my pedigree! He come jus to watch
me play. I get my game on, he get the contract on! I'm
gonna make millions. He even know the parole board. He
gonna get me out early, so as I can play for the New York
Knicks!"
"And your point would be?"
"Are you gonna let me in?"
"Mr. Hafl as, you have two choices as I see it. You can
either fi nd Caseworker Batiste on your own, or you can
attend your activity without your gear. Please notice that
those options did not include entering your cell. That said,
if Caseworker Batiste orders me to allow your entry, at that
time, you may enter your cell."
"Look man, I ain't got no time for this shit. I promise I won't tell. I promise I won't forget you. I'll even get you courtside seats when I play. I won't forget you little people."