"Because in life, vaginas vibrate."
Mountains of Porn
We were sorting through and chucking out the old porn
when two prior service Marines, the deputy warden and
the external unit administrator, entered the control station.
They saw the pile before we could hide it. Walker had been
there before.
"Found it in the day area, just checking it out for
identifi cation and further contraband."
"Make sure it's properly disposed of when you are
fi nished," chuckled the unit administrator.
"Aye aye, Sir."
The unit administrator hovered close to the pile, "Men,
for the most part, dress more conservatively than women.
Don't you agree Marine?" He inquired of me, knowing my
prior service.
"That may be true Sir, but I think it's because men don't
have to advertise that we'll fuck at the drop of a hat."
"Keep up the good work," he mockingly stated seriously,
as he and the Deputy departed the housing unit.
"That was close."
"Close to what? Did you think they cared or didn't
know we looked at the inmate porn?"
"Did you see what Green did there?"
"Yah, he's been looking at that Buttman magazine for
20 minutes; he's book-marked two pages with his fi ngers,
and he's taking it to the john."
"You KNOW he's going to rub one out."
"Don't ask, don't tell."
"He ripped out the advertisement."
"What advertisement?"
"The one that talks about the life-like vibrating
vaginas."
"Because in life, vaginas vibrate."
"I didn't have access to this much porn in the Marines!
We have mountains of the stuff. There must be a bazillion
different angles to photograph a naked woman, but I'm so
glad that people continue to experiment."
"Like Ron White says, 'Once you've seen one naked
woman, you want to see them all.'"
"What inmate did you get these off of?"
"Orlando."
"Take 'em back."
"Why?"
"Because Orlando is a 4'10" Mexican with a 13" pecker.
It is a cock of pure majesty. He pets it and talks to it like an
animal. It is a phallus of Homeric proportions."
"Can he suck it?"
"Seen him do it."
"Why would he suck it?"
"Because he can."
"And you watched him?"
"I couldn't take my eyes off of it; it was like watching
God creating. I call it Dog-dick red."
"Can you fi nd that in a paint store?"
"You look away, then you look back. It's just like when
the fat chick has a titty fl op out of her shirt. It's disgusting,
but you look back again."
The Epistle of James
13Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am tempted
by God," for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He
Himself tempt anyone.
14But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his
own desires and enticed.