"I love it when God and the Pope get together.Hey, I know we're in the middle of the game here, but what do you say we tweak the rules a little bit."
Sperm Donors
The only thing certain in times of great uncertainty is
that people will behave with great strength or weakness,
and with very little else in between. That said, there will
be a downfall of man anyway. In fact, many will say we
are in the process of falling down. Many point to the decay
of the family. That is a pretty easy concept at which to
point because it is tremendously vague. I want specifi cs so
we can fi x it. I think it has a great deal to do with timing.
More specifi cally, the timing of two events in our lives. It
is critical that the timing of two events in our lives should
never coincide. The fi rst is actually a varying time frame
in which we hate our parents because we disagree with and
hate every decision they make in our best interests. The
second is the moment we realize that we can do something
about it.
When I was a child, my generation's dependence on our
parents was tremendous. That level of dependence on elders
for my parent's generation was even greater. Our history
demonstrates that generations prior to my grandparent's
relied on the passing down of skills and/or property as a
major contributor to future success.
Time and technology have taken much of that away. I
have seen it with my oldest child: A decreasing level of
dependency, and I attribute a piece of that to the increase in
communication tools. The largest part in my humble opinion
still belongs to changing laws and society's interpretation of
what we can do to discipline our children.
When children learn that they have us by the proverbial
short-hairs, what then? It reminds me of the story about the
scorpion and the frog. The scorpion relied on the frog to
swim him to safety while he traveled on his back. Stinging
the frog would surely mean his demise. The scorpion stung
anyway, saying,
"That is what scorpions do. It is my nature."
Raising children today will drive a man to drink. So we
talk about it. Are we doing anything about it? We talk about
it, but not with the people we should. Ideally, we would
discuss the problems with our spouses, and hatch a personal
plan for collective enforcement in the home. In reality, we
talk about it with people who have no control, and can make
no contribution towards its resolve. We talk about it in bars,
with drunks, whose plan is always the harshest extreme.
"We were not married for even six months, when I was
forming the words in my mouth.I almost spit them out,
when she said, 'I'm three months pregnant.'"
"My parents hated Alice Cooper. The next generation
of parents hated Marilyn Manson. I hate hip-hop and rap.
I don't even know why they call it music. All of that music
is for rebels. That's why parents hate it. Their children
become rebels."
"Oh, you want to know the lowest form of spineless
jellyfi sh? My 15-year-old daughter got dumped by text
message. Can a teenage-boy be anymore spineless?"
"Dude, when we were kids, if you had no balls, you just
had your friends do it for you."
"Or at the worst, you could call her on the phone."
"At least then you had to hear her cry."
"The manliest way is still face to face."
"I got my ass chewed because my oldest child is a drama
queen and cried to Mom about unfair treatment. She claims
I don't treat her as well because she is not my biological
daughter. Hell, she is 15 and I have raised her since she was
a week shy of two. I love her like crazy. I have forgotten
biology by now."
"Sounds like they are in sync."
"Menstrual cycles don't really synchronize. That's a
myth. I have not observed that."
"I got half-laid. I was on top of the old lady pounding
away at the puss, when a child began crying. Obviously, the
child required attention more than I did, so the wife got out
of bed to attend to the matter. I waited a bit, long enough
that I began to go limp, and the juice began to coagulate and
peel like a snake-skin."
"The psychology is too powerful. Somebody added
DNA to the bastards, and they snapped overnight from
sweet-innocent to manipulative-monster. Their theory on
parents is to divide and conquer."
"Fair and equal are not the same thing. Different kids
have different needs. If I treat anybody differently, it has
nothing to do with biology. If my treatment of children
appears unequal, I can think of a few possible reasons; I am
learning to be a better parent as I go. Any learning I gain, or
change that the younger children benefi t from does not make
them my favorite. Another possible reason is that she is 15.
I am cracking down on her because she is an active teenager
who has learned all of Mom's buttons. She is a master
manipulator and turns her mother against me anytime she
thinks she can benefi t from it, without regard for what it is
doing to our relationship.
Another reason is this; you see what you want to see
and it is another item to which you can point when you
are looking for my faults. That is what you do best. If I
hate her so much, or love her less, why do I take time off
from work to attend her games? Why do I worry about her
boyfriends? Why do I buy new computers? Why do I get
choked up over those songs about step-fathers or fatherdaughter
relationships? Half the Man He Didn't Have to
Be; I Loved Her First. Why do I constantly forget she is
not really mine? Why do I say she is part Hispanic on her
elementary school questionnaires? She is 100% Bohunk,
but when I fi lled out the Junior High demographics form,
I fi lled in part Hispanic because I am. Why do I say, "You
get that from your Grandpa," when she shows promise in
math and science? Oh, and most importantly, don't forget
this.FUCK OFF! I put in tremendous effort with her, I
volunteered for the job when nobody else wanted it, and
most importantly, where is it written that I have to? Where
does it state that I should treat her the same as my biological
children when she is not? I do it anyway because I love her
as much as my own."
"Dude, mellow out. Have another Morgan."
"Maybe you should be having this conversation with
your wife."
"Nah, let's just kill some more brain cells."
"Alcohol does not kill brain cells. It simply damages
the dendrites."
"Well then, let's damage some dendrites."
"Alcohol metabolizes as sugar."
"No, it metabolizes as failure."