"I'm a pretty good dog, but if you don't pet me once
in awhile, I'm gonna have a hard time staying under the
porch."
-- Ron White
The Perfect 10
"She has a genetic predisposition to be overweight."
"Wait a minute Count, genetics are not always a concern.
Look at us. My parents were athletic superstars. My siblings
and I have a predisposition to be athletic, yet if it wasn't for
my oldest brother playing football for the junior Wolverines
and the lack of interest in our local cross-country team, my
sister would be the only one to ever play varsity anything."
Count is justifi ed, in his own mind, for cheating on his
wife. For years he has been compiling the list of categories
that make a good spouse. Count knows in his own head
that he does not make the perfect husband, but he weighs
categories differently, and feels that he is good at what is
important. Of course, he omits in his own mind that fi delity
is up there in importance as well. Thinking about fi delity
to Count was like choosing a religion that was convenient.
He frequently talked about Blue Collar's Ron White, and his
theories on relationships.
Mr. White would say, "When you enter into a
monogamous relationship, you are having a great deal of
sex, so of course you sign the papers, saying you will always
stay together. But when the other person stops having sex
all together, you fi nd yourself in quite a pickle."
Count always says there should be 10 categories or
characteristics that make a good spouse, so for the sake of
argument; we will say that there are ten. They include, but
are not limited to: Appeal to your spouse - they do not have to
be beautiful, but they should have some redeeming qualities
when viewed by their signifi cant other; Brains - they do not
have to be smart, but they should be of comparable value to
their partner; Communication skills; Work ethic; Parenting
skills; etc.
Charlie never could come up with a solid ten at one time,
and the details seem to change as well, but the two categories,
the two missing categories, that are most important to him
are the following: Real passion.or faked passion (don't be
a fuckin' dead fi sh) for the sake of your marriage when you
are in intimate situations; and most importantly, because it
is lacking the most, SUPPORT THE DREAM, the dream of
being somebody. It always left him quietly simmering.
Count's wife, according to Count, always complained
about everything. For starters, when he started back to
college, it cost too much. When he earned the Master's
Degree, what good was it? When he trained to run a
marathon, it took too much time away from the family.
When he made the rifl e team with his guard unit, he could
never be worth a shit, so why did he practice so much in
the backyard? When he won two national matches, what
good were the medals? When he wanted to write a book,
his material offended her. He could not help that his fi rst
attempt did not have a large target audience. All he had
ever known was the smut and porn he had learned in the
Marine Corps.
Count tried to write a book about dream manipulation
but it failed miserably. The book had been diffi cult to write,
and Freud was a tough act to follow. The twist of important
ideas and strange epiphanies seemed ordinary on the page.
Count thought that people would be interested in how to
check if you were dreaming, or how to stay in a dream.
Those were things he was interested in, so thinking that
others would want to know was natural.
Count's research and experimentation revealed that you
could easily verify you were in a dream simply by checking
your wallet. Most men keep it in the same place all the time,
regardless of the pants they are wearing. If you do not know
whether or not you are dreaming, check that pocket, pull out
your wallet, and look at your driver's license. When you are
in a dream, the picture will be of somebody else. I do not
know why it happens, but it does.
Once you realize that you are defi nitely in a dream, you
are free, and you can do anything you want, with practice.
Staying in a dream when you feel yourself waking requires
practice as well. Count learned through practice and research
that rotating your body (not in reality, but in your head)
keeps you in your dream. We all have those times when we
do not want to wake up. The problem with the book was that
most of Count's personal examples were perverted.
Claire's outlook on life was skewed. She had the
weapons-grade perkiness of Katie Couric publicly, but her
vision of success was purely fi nancially based. It had nothing
to do with accomplishment and personal happiness.
Malachi Chapter 2
14Yet you say, "For what reason?" because the Lord
has been witness between you and the wife of your youth,
with whom you have dealt treacherously; yet she is your
companion and your wife by covenant.
15But did He not make them one, having a remnant of the
Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore
take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with
the wife of his youth.
16"For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce,
for it covers one's garment with violence," says the Lord of
hosts. "Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not
deal treacherously."