"If it all sounds like a complicated slush of angles and motives, it is."
Visit Check
Brief has now been defi ned as fi ve seconds. Because of
issues in the visiting room, brief had to be defi ned. Prior to
defi ning it, prisoners were not given any guidance regarding
how long they could embrace or kiss a loved one. I am not
sure fi ve seconds should be a hard and fast rule, because the
same terminology is used to defi ne a pat-down. Contact on
the inmate's private parts has previously been determined to
be necessary, and the term "brief and incidental" is frequently
used to describe the method and occasion in which private
parts will be contacted. I am not sure staff or inmates would
like it to last fi ve seconds.
After an inmate is informed that they have a visit, they
may do multiple things to prepare for it, including things that
cause a delay for the visitor waiting on them. They may take
a shower and shave, take a dump, go to chow, fi nish a game
of cards, or have a burrito party. It amazes me that they do
not get jazzed or in a hurry to see their family and friends,
or other loved ones.
Baglips (Inmate Everett Thibbetts) was paged to the
control station for a visit pass. I watched as he quickly
picked up the phone to place a call. When he was fi nished,
I asked him why he needed to make a call when loved ones
were waiting on him in the visiting room. "I called my exwife
to make sure it wasn't her visiting."
"Why don't you want her to visit, Baglips?"
"Man, I been had that ass. Well, I don't really care if
she does or not, I just don't want her here at the same time
as my current wife, or my ex-girlfriend."
"Huh?"
"I'm trying to get back with all of them. I just want to
love everybody."
"Why would they want you.I mean, you're uglier than
shit, and you're in jail for the next 10 fucking years."
"I can also lick my eyebrows."
A lady snuck a cell phone to her son through the visiting
room. The phone made it into the institution and was shared
by multiple inmates before it was found and confi scated. Use
of the cell phone ran up a bill of about $1,700. The woman to
whom the phone was registered expected the state to pay the
bill because she claimed it was our property since we did not
catch it when it was introduced into the institution.
Romans 13: 8-10
A reading from the letter of Saint Paul to the Romans:
8Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he
that loveth another hath fulfi lled the law.
9For this, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt
not kill, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false
witness, Thou shalt not covet; and if there be any other
commandment, it is briefl y comprehended in this saying,
namely, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
10Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is
the fulfi lling of the law.
"He was so tight, you couldn't pull a needle from his ass with a tractor, maybe not even with a tugboat."
Grandma's Hiding Places
Maybe I do belong in corrections. After all, I am over
50 years old, and I still think it is funny to bust ass in public.
I do not do it in church (when I go) or in public restaurants
(much), but nevertheless, it is funny.
Working in the Department of Correctional Services
(DCS) has gained me many friends and acquaintances, in
khaki as well as blue. The most entertaining thing inmates
do is screw with each other's minds. Inmates, in my
experience, rarely fuck with staff in blue. It is too risky.
You do not know who is watching or with whom you can
have fun.
I overheard inmate Brock Shurvington telling another
inmate, Joe "The Hammer" Ruth, about his conversation
with Grandma regarding where to hide the dope when she
comes to the visiting room.
"No, Grandma, they'll look in your purse."
"What about my hat?"
"No, Grandma, they'll look in your hat too. Can you
think of anyplace in your body where they would not
suspect."
"I'm pretty fat.I could stick it between some of the
folds of my fat."
"No, Grandma, I'm talking about orifi ces."
"What's an orifi ce?"
"An opening in your body."
"If I put it in my mouth, I won't be able to respond to
their questions."
"No, Grandma, not your mouth, just put it in your
vagina!"
"My God boy, why in the world would I put it in there.
I'm gonna wash your mouth out with soap!"
When speaking to an inmate about keistering items in
your ass, I learned that there is quite a process. Masking
tape is bad because it conforms too closely to the scud (item
to be inserted in the keister). Duct tape is no good, because
it sticks to your insides and pulls stuff out with it. Black
electrical tape is best, because it's smooth. You grease your
ass good, then wipe to clean the outside. Your visitor and you
face each other while watching over each other's shoulders
to monitor the guards. Your female visitor releases the scud
from her vaginal opening, and quickly retrieves it from the
crotch of her panties. No diffi culties yet. She holds hands
with you, while passing the scud (now vaginally lubricated).
With the scud in hand, you reach behind your back and place
your hand down your low-sagging pants and insert the scud
into your ass. Hopefully, your friend made the scud with a
tapered end, and not too big around.
"The only time I got caught was when my girlfriend
made the scud too big. I could not get it in my ass, so I had
to pass it back to her. Allowing the partially inserted scud
to leave my ass made me fart really loud. I mean, I let a fart
that would scare you like an elementary school fi re alarm.
And the smell; it was like smoking a turd cigar in hell. All
I could think was, boy, you really stepped on it now. That
one is going to itch when it dries. It was leaking through my
drawers like radioactive waste. It defi nitely touched cotton.
The sound of the fart-blast and the black-taped scud caught
the guard's attention, and I got a write-up. My girlfriend got
yelled at, and was told she could not come back. She was
removed from my visiting list permanently. My suspicions
regarding her cheating ways got a major boost when she
claimed in her next letter that the mammoth scud fi t her
easily. It was big as my fi st."
Regardless of what Hollywood wants you to think, I
have never seen nor heard of "forced" man-on-man buttsex,
rape, head, hand-jobs, etc. Every instance of sex I have
heard of or witnessed was voluntary, with the exception of
Jerry Gay.
Jerry Gay doped up his new-fi sh celly and fondled him
until he woke up. If the new celly did not wake up, Jerry
would perform oral sex until his mouth was full. If the fi sh
still did not wake, Jerry would roll him over, lubricate, and
begin to stuff about ten inches of penis is his ass. He would
buy some serious shit from inmates in the house who were
prescribed medication that would knock you out. The only
thing that would make Jerry Gay happier than a pile of
sleeping pills would be a bag of dicks.