A boy needs to know that ejaculation, however frequent, is normal and doesn't debilitate or cause mental problems. Those archaic concepts are still alive in the locker room. Ejaculations may be presented as an intensely pleasurable gift, infinitely renewable. The youth needs to know that quality is more important than quantity of orgasms. He could have inferred the opposite from seeing an erotic movie where the hero fires away like a twenty-gauge shotgun into a dozen damsels. He needs to know that no man is always capable of an erection and that erections may wilt as anxiety mounts.
The girl without a firm erotic foundation has at best a
fragile response. Shyness, shame, and formless apprehensions
are enough to sabotage pleasure. She needs to know
that an insufficient response isn't unusual, but that it does
constitute a problem, for which there is definite remediation.
She may need to develop her erotic response through masturbation.
Only the most comfortable of mothers can impart
this information without anxiety. Fortunately, instructions
are available in books such as Becoming Orgasmic by
Heiman, LoPiccolo, and LoPiccolo. The mother can purchase
the book and offer to discuss it or to provide lubricants and
mechanical devices if the girl wishes. If there's no lock on her
bedroom door, get one.
For centuries, a girl's power has been to withhold favors
while continuing to attract. If she yielded to temptation, her
value in the flesh market would plummet. Passivity, stubborn
refusal, and absence of lust contributed to her image as
a "nice girl." These concepts are still very much in evidence.
A girl needs to know that she possesses as strong a sex drive
as a boy and that her satisfaction is equally important.
She needs to assume the ultimate responsibility for her own
arousal, which means finding out what pleases, and asking
for it. She needs to understand that nice girls do talk about
and can initiate sex, and that fantasies are both enjoyable
and useful.
You can support her right to decide what she
wants and when she wants it. She needs practice in saying
"yes," just as she needs practice in saying "no." For the latter,
she should be aware that boys aren't harmed by not being
able to ejaculate.
Most parents paddle upstream in order to accept these
concepts which contradict so many traditional values. The
occasional comfortable parent is less upset by the intense
but evanescent liaisons of the adolescent.
It's as if the youth
has been granted a season's pass to an amusement park. A
pass is a very special award; the season is brief and will soon
be over. This is a special dispensation in the service of knowledge.
His mistakes are allowed and his sexuality accepted.
Acknowledgment of sexual behavior in adolescence
doesn't mean that responsibility is dead. The responsible
child retains some consideration for the partner throughout
adolescence and returns to full accountability as an adult. In
order to learn efficiently the youth must be self-serving in his
relationships.
Free and fickle, he gathers the nectar and
avoids the consequences. Oddly enough, this inconstancy
becomes the basis for later commitment.
The experience
gained through multiple relationships enables him to know
who he is and what he stands for. He emerges with a coherent
self. For the first time he has something real to commit to
another. (Erickson, 1968)