Beneath the adolescent's seeming nonchalance lies vulnerability. A pimple becomes a disaster and a slip of the tongue a calamity. In a moment he can slide from a pinnacle of power to the depths of inadequacy. His perceptions waver with the tide of self-esteem. One moment his penis seems like a fine Havana cigar, and the next, like a damp cigarillo. Actions are confusing too. A girl who posts a "Keep Out" sign in red on the bathroom door so no one will see her undress sneaks off to school in a halter top in the dead of winter. Another day she goes braless beneath her brother's tee shirt, carefully hiding her nubbins under an unnecessary armful of books. She's searching for her sexual self by trying on roles and testing the reactions of others.
Although the adolescent's sense of potency can be
enhanced by favorable comments about his skills or appearance,
comments about the penis, the breasts, or sexual prowess
are best shelved for the time being. The early adolescent
is as prone to misconstrue as the five-year-old. A simple
statement such as "Your penis is really growing" may be
interpreted as an incestuous advance, an implication that
the penis is too small, or a push toward intercourse. In the
middle class, most early adolescents are totally unprepared
for heterosexual coitus. Pointed comments about sex can
frighten the youth and make him feel even more inadequate
than he felt initially. It's also important that parents not
undermine the young person's associates no matter how
scruffy or obnoxious they seem. This can be accomplished
without abandoning values and limits. Amy's friends use
terms like "fuck" and "shit" with abandon. Mother states, "I
don't like those terms and I don't want them used in my
house." If Amy returns later waving the banner of free
speech, her mother maintains her original principles while
she reassures Amy of her intrinsic worth.
The knack of successful parenting is neither to over- nor
underreact to adolescent behavior. Calmness, persistence,
and patience count. Stick to your principles without shouting
or striking, and without giving up, either. Reasonable rules
need to be reasonably enforced.
Discussions about acceptable
behavior allow the youth to maintain a modicum of
potency. He needs to make as many of his own decisions as
possible. Regardless of how irresponsible the adolescent
seems, underneath he retains the values learned in childhood.
Continue to teach him by remaining strong and by caring
for one another.
An early adolescent can appear much sicker than he actually
is. He may have limped along with various problems for
years and yet have blended in with his classmates. The surge
of sexual and aggressive feelings may bring his shortcomings
into sharp relief.
Fourteen-year-old Chester was such a youth. Although an
excellent student, Chester was shy and had never made
friends or indulged in sex play. He lived alone with his
divorced mother, a responsible but mousy woman. One
evening Chester left his door wide open while he lay masturbating
on his bed. The apartment was tiny and Chester's
room centrally located, so that his mother couldn't avoid
noticing. She tried her best to pay no attention, but she was
too nervous to concentrate on anything else. Finally she
asked him to shut the door. Chester acted as if he didn't hear,
and continued to masturbate. He repeated this performance
several times each week. After a month, his mother was a
nervous wreck. She consulted a male psychologist who suggested
that Chester enter treatment.
The psychologist learned that Chester fully appreciated
his mother's upset. Her bewilderment made him feel strong.
When his therapist asked if he wanted to make love with his
mother, Chester was shocked and angry. In fact, he couldn't
imagine sex with anyone. Chester was dealing with the same
issues as a four-year-old who plays "waterworks" or "show
me." He was assessing the value of his penis. It had to be powerful
if it could upset his mother like that. As Chester continued
in treatment he derived a firmer sense of maleness
through his therapist. He joined the ecology club, worked on
the school newspaper, and gradually made friends.