Henry didn't play with other children. He didn't dress himself and only showed a superficial interest in toys. Henry was not retarded; in fact he was a tactical genius who quickly overwhelmed the opposition and established control. He was also a highly erotic child who eagerly sought and achieved sensual gratification. But Henry's behavior was living proof that love is not enough. The child in our culture who still nurses at the age of three or four is rarely trained in any respect. These are demanding, powerful, angry, and distressfully large children.
An old medical school joke tells of a
mother who was seen suckling a sturdy six-year-old girl in
the waiting room of a county pediatric outpatient clinic. The
doctor observed this and asked the mother why she was still
nursing such a large child. The mother replied, "I can't
stop-every time I try she throws rocks at me."
These children are assertive, uninhibited, and erotically
responsive, and each of these traits can contribute to later
sexual competence. Yet the sexual response is relatively
unimportant. These children are selfish in every sphere.
Relationships are predicated on how much they can get, with
total disregard for the feelings of others. This hedonism is
not only objectionable, but it precludes any true reciprocity,
Fortunately, children do respond to sensible limits and even
minimal effective guidance.
Sexual responsibility can be
taught just as are other kinds of responsibility. For instance,
the child of four can be expected not to grab food from other
plates or to masturbate openly on a cable car. Our expectations
change as the child grows. It is appropriate for a fourmonth-
old infant to squall if suddenly denied the breast, but
totally inappropriate for three-year-old Henry.
This attention to training mustn't be so early or so one-
sided that pleasure itself is damaged. Before training ever
begins we need to permit and encourage the child toward a
full range of eroticism, even though sex is experienced in an
entirely self-indulgent manner. Before the child can begin to
direct the sex drive constructively, he must associate it with
pleasure, or he will have no motivation to channel it constructively
at all.
Our prime time for sex without responsibility
is in infancy, under age one. Times of relatively low
emphasis on responsibility are the preschool years and the
early stages of adolescence. These periods allow additional
expansion and elaboration of erotic pleasure, even while the
child gradually becomes accountable.
With other drives, we routinely encourage pleasure while
we teach. For instance, we urge children to savor the aroma
of hot turkey and the taste of freshly baked brownies. At the
same time we help them to use a fork properly, and to ask for
the blessing. We may intentionally lose a game of slapjack to
impart the thrill of effective assertion, yet instruct the child
not to slap younger children.
We impart little enthusiasm
about sex, nor do we condone children's natural eagerness.
Yet we do lay down a host of "don'ts" and "not nows." Thus we
restrict sex without ever having developed its basic enjoyment.
How can we expect children to enjoy sex without experiencing
it? Once pleasure is firmly rooted, training can
begin.