It's true that no human mother achieves the intimacy with her infant that a mother dog accomplishes with her pups. She licks, sniffs, and lies for hours while they suckle or sleep nestled next to her skin. She often eats the placenta and routinely cleanses the genitals with her tongue. Yet the attainment of body intimacy in the human is based upon the same five senses: hearing, seeing, touching, smelling, and tasting. Of these, the latter three, the near receptors, are the most primitive and meaningful, for they entail closeness or body contact.
Yet these are the ones we avoid with cribs, bottles,
clothing, high chairs, and propriety-all the accouterments
of civilization. Adult eroticism is defended against in the
same fashion, by night clothes, deodorants, and aversions to
certain forms of foreplay. The prohibitions against watching
or listening to another sexually attractive individual are
weak compared to the injunctions against touching, smelling,
or licking that person. Yet all senses must be involved in
total body intimacy. This, in fact, is the only way that the
baby comes to value a profusion of stimuli. If infancy passes
without an abundance of these intimate sensations, then the
sexual response will be limited.
Thus all forms of licking,
washing, tickling, and sniffing contribute to the growth of
the eroticism. The mother who achieves body intimacy also
provides her child with solid acceptance. The infant comes to
feel valuable, through the experience of unconditional acceptance.
Breast-feeding is a potent gratification, for both mother
and child. Rhythmic sucking, scent, warmth, and closeness
combine to produce the optimal erotic congress. Genital pleasure
is enmeshed in the total experience.
Direct genital stimulation
occurs as the mother presses the child's hips against
her body. Many older infants spontaneously augment this by
recurrently flexing their thighs. Anticipatory squirming and
wriggling against the bedclothes and the undulations of the
mother's body as she breathes, heighten the effect.
Erections and vaginal lubrication are common. The mother receives
pleasure through the repetitive tugging at her nipple and
the tingling when the milk is forcibly ejected. This erotic reciprocity
cements her attachment to the baby. Yet few mothers
nurse and even fewer permit themselves to savor the
experience.
An occasional mother will report multiple
orgasms and some describe a pervasive tranquillity similar
to that which follows good sex. A graduate student compares
suckling to a transcendental state of acute awareness where
the body's boundaries dissolve. These sensations may be
frightening also.
Bottle-feeding diminishes the opportunity to smell, taste,
and touch one another; the mother receives less gratification
and therefore the infant is more of a burden. Attachment is
sometimes impeded. Yet with forethought, a large measure
of body intimacy can be achieved.
Skin-to-skin contact at
feeding is essential, not only for the warmth and touch but
because the scent is irreplaceable. Stroking, cuddling, and
time to savor each other builds mutual satisfaction. If these
suggestions are followed, the bottle-fed infant forfeits little
erotic pleasure, although the mother still forgoes a lot.
Breastfeed if you can.
Erotic growth in the first six months is based upon passive
sensual gratifications. The infant is magnificently receptive,
spiritually naked, and immensely vulnerable. Stroking, rubbing,
and sucking are central to his existence. He must
receive a variety of pleasures if he's to become a fully receptive
adult.
An adult who hasn't accomplished this or who
tries to defend against passive receptive longings is treated
in the sex clinic by tasks designed to develop his "sensate
foci." He's told to relax completely while his mate rubs, licks,
strokes, and nuzzles. He relearns a developmental task of
the first half year.