Paula was the only girl in a family of seven children. Both parents and a host of relatives were delighted with her arrival. She was showered with lacy dresses and pink booties. Although the father had taken part in caring for all the infants, he enjoyed Paula even more.As soon as Paula walked she would go from lap to lap soliciting tickles and cuddling with each family member. When relatives gathered she was the center of attention. Parents were not upset when at the tender age of three she presented herself naked in front of company. Her father laughed and tapped her derriere as she ran giggling back to the bedroom. When Paula was five years old she was not as responsible as her brothers had been at that age. Recognizing this, her father refused to cuddle her unless she helped her mother set the table. Several times he was irritated when she left her tricycle in the street or dropped her candy wrappers on the floor.
Paula ran to her mother, and her
mother marched her back to her father, who spoke sternly to
her. When Paula entered school, teachers described her as
"immature." She would stand and wail if someone took her
swing, and she had no friends who played with her. The parents
observed that after school Paula's brothers would rush to
her assistance whenever she cried. They chased away bigger
and more aggressive children. The parents called a family
conference where Paula's problems were discussed and certain
goals determined.
Mother began to check with care under
the bed and behind the bureau where Paula had stuffed dirty
clothes. Her brothers ceased responding to her tears and her
father began to supervise homework closely. By the end of the
first grade, other children liked to play with Paula and the
teacher described her as "cute and smart."
At the age of eight Paula played an intriguing game called
"Truth, Dare, or Consequences" in a neighborhood clubhouse.
Paula dared a friend to streak naked around a house.
One "consequence" was for Paula to show her "pee-hole." One
of Paula's older brothers heard about these activities and
told his parents. Her mother thought it wasn't nice and
should be stopped before it caused a furor in the neighborhood.
The father reminded her that they had both had such
experiences when young and advised her to forget it. Instead
of interrupting the games, the mother provided Paula with
sex education books written for children.
Paula did well in school and continued to college. She
astutely chose boyfriends who were considerate of her but
successful in their own right. After college graduation she
developed her own public relations firm. By the age of twenty-
five she was already well established, employing five men and
two women. Her workers felt Paula was both competent and
sensitive to their problems. Paula initiated several long-term
relationships with different men. At the age of twenty-eight
she decided to marry a corporation executive with a similar
background. After five years of marriage she described herself
as happy, intentionally childless, and sexually fulfilled.
That Paula was both aggressive and sexually responsive is
no accident. In bed and at the office she asks for what she
wants, without shame or fear of rejection.
This ability to take
risks is a prime therapy goal of the sex clinics. The woman
who expects that her partner will automatically know her
needs must feel resentful when he fails. She remains inert,
patiently waiting, and still too embarrassed and frightened
to ask. Finally she gives up and passively accepts the crumbs
from the banquet. On the other hand, the sexually aggressive
woman frees her mate from the responsibility of masterminding
her orgasm and actively reassures him of his virility
and expertise. Assertion can also provide the woman with
other important benefits. The aggressive girl is better
adjusted, less likely to suffer emotional disorders, develops a
higher IQ, and attains greater achievement.
How can we train girls in healthy assertion? First, we
need mothers who are themselves active and fulfilled and
who can ask for what they want. The overburdened and
unenthusiastic "trapped young mother" presents a blurred,
listless model for her daughter. We need fathers who not only
tolerate, but delight in their daughter's assertion. We need
both parents to nurture little girls less. (Baumarind, 1972)
For example, when Melinda tearfully complains that Johnny
hit her, mother rocks and comforts her. Father looks for
Johnny in order to "set things straight." Melinda is being
programmed for docility and immaturity. Her parents
appear clairvoyant because they always seem to know and
satisfy her needs. She doesn't need to stand up to adversaries,
compete, plan for the future, or ask for what she wants.