THE recognition of sexual function as a learned response explodes one of the most damaging concepts of our century: that sexual problems necessarily connote far-reaching emotional problems or mental illness. Conversely, an excellent sexual performance doesn't mean mental health or the absence of emotional problems.
The presence of good sexual
function merely means that there has been the opportunity
to expand and develop the sex drive, in the absence of specific
trauma. Sex therapists enable the dysfunctional adult to
develop expertise and accrue confidence through rewarding
erotic experiences. Therapy simply provides the opportunities
and encouragement which rightfully should have
occurred in childhood.
Parents today are vastly more sophisticated than past
generations. They seldom traumatize the child with threats
or punishment. Adult impotence or "frigidity" is rarely based
on paralyzing fears or raw revulsion. Today's common problems
arise from misinterpretations, shame, anxiety, and a
lack of self-confidence. Today's concerns are: "What if he
doesn't like my breasts?" "Maybe I smell bad," "It's not as
firm as it should be," "She doesn't enjoy it as much as she
should," and "I'm not hung like that horse she was married to
before."
Sex traumas are quite insignificant compared to yesteryear's
threats of insanity and clitoral cautery. Now the
traumas are subtle, such as being caught with your pants
down, an unfavorable comparison with another boy's penis,
or a chance bathroom confrontation with a naked parent. Yet
these relatively minor events somehow result in sexual problems
that bedevil an estimated fifty percent of marriages.
Small traumas can produce such profound effects only if the
child already feels sexually inadequate, confused, or
ashamed. This happens because we parents don't transmit
enthusiasm, provide direction, or aid in the development of a
firm erotic base.
The following cases illustrate how parents unknowingly
contribute to the child's low sexual self-confidence and susceptibility
to minor trauma. Most of these examples are of
normal children raised by well-accepted methods.
DAVID
David was the youngest of five boys born to stable, intelligent
parents who were both college graduates. Although the
parents had moved away from a literal interpretation of the
Bible, they attended church regularly and taught their children
responsibility, patience, and good work habits. The
older boys were successful and productive community members.
David was a "late blessing," the youngest by ten years. He
received more attention and had fewer responsibilities than
his brothers.
When he was three years old he enjoyed rubbing
and pulling at his penis while sitting on the toilet. His
mother observed this and hastened to zip his pants up. After
that she made certain he had a book or toy to occupy his time
while enthroned. She was careful not to leave him there too
long. About a year later David observed one dog mount
another and ran to ask his father what they were doing. The
father threw a stick and shouted so that the dogs ran off. By
age five David's sex education consisted of his Sunday school
teacher's comments on certain Bible stories. He knew that
adults were upset if he opened doors without knocking, but
the most he had ever witnessed was his mother in bra and
panties.