Intimacy is a term often used but seldom defined. As nebulous
as spirit or benevolence, it is not dissimilar to another
poorly defined concept, love. Intimacy is derived from the
Latin intimare meaning "to put into." The mother and infant
who are so completely invested in each other that they
appear fused are in a state of total body intimacy. Making
love connotes various degrees of mind and body intimacy.
Adult intimacy is the ability to blend with another's mind or
body and "let go" of many adult constraints. This presupposes
comfort and trust-that the other person will not misuse
or reject us. If we are unable to trust, we create
emotional distance and avoid intimacy.
Sex and intimacy are associated from earliest childhood,
when the infant is both close to and stimulated by his
mother. A relaxed mother who enjoys holding and talking to
her baby promotes both. Her infant learns to like being close
as he learns to savor erotic sensations. Through the years,
intimacy continues to act as a powerful aphrodisiac.
Many a
man's flagging erection has been resurrected when his partner
rubs his back and they plan together for the future. However,
sex is distinct from intimacy and each can exist
separately. Sex with little intimacy occurs in the casual liaisons
of the singles bar, when a housewife placates an angry
husband in bed, or when an aging lothario nourishes his self-
esteem in the moans of a protegee.
The vibrator will never replace a flesh-and-blood lover,
even when the lover has arthritis and poor timing. This is
because the quality of life depends on intimacy-and who
can be intimate with a vibrator? Sex serves to enrich and
expand intimacy. It cushions the rough spots of living
together and provides a vehicle for attachment in a society
marked by alienation and loneliness. Many couples communicate
directly, by touch, smell, and taste, only in bed.
By rights, intimacy should evolve slowly over the years, to
reach its full richness in old age. Unfortunately, this is rarely
the case. Intimacy is a will-o'-the-wisp that gradually slips
away after the honeymoon, to return, it is hoped, after retirement
or when the children are gone. In its place are buttons
to push, calls to make, and deadlines to meet. Work rather
than love becomes the primary goal.
On October 28, 1973,
The New York Times quoted Henry Kissinger as saying,
"What counts is to what extent women are a part of life, a
central preoccupation. Well, they aren't that at all. To me
women are no more than a pastime, a hobby. Nobody devotes
too much time to a hobby." Blazing efficiency in an empty
world.
This pattern, in which intimacy diminishes during the
productive years, is also rooted in childhood. A great many
parents provide the infant with the basic experience in intimacy
through body contact, warmth, and snuggling, but
demand a high level of performance once the child can think
and act by himself.
They reward the child for tying his shoes,
but not for playing in the sandbox. Copious attention is paid
to the alphabet and naming colors, with precious little for
blowing bubbles in the milk or rolling in the grass. The most
acceptable child is the one who is busy learning or making
something useful. Eventually, the child may feel vaguely
uncomfortable when he stretches out to read a comic book or
when he watches a non-educational show on TV.