The trend toward leniency continued. In 1951, mothers were told that masturbation does not amount to anything, although children sometimes touch their genitals while on the toilet. The mother may experience uncomfortable feelings when she observes this, and for her own sake can distract the child with a toy.
For years parents have accepted this dogma without question.
Yet what message does this attitude of studied indifference
or anxious distraction give the child? Young children
are not stupid. The toddler accurately senses the mother's
mood. The message he receives is a message of apprehension
or disapproval.
Most parents validate children's positive behavior. They
say, "Your hair is so pretty the way you brushed it" or "You
can be proud of making your bed so well." These messages
are clear and not subject to misinterpretation. Teachers use
the same approach to reinforce good behavior at school.
No one reinforces children's sexuality. We actively avoid
mentioning or observing it. Have you ever heard a mother
say to a child found fondling himself: "My, you've really
learned how to make yourself feel good." Or have you heard
a father say to his son: "It's real nice that your penis is getting
bigger"? Instead, children are confronted with anxiety
and ambivalence.
Today a visit to the local bookstore reveals shelf upon shelf
of parenting paperbacks.The only rival in quantity is the section
on sex. The big names in parenting are there: Spock,
Ginott, and even some authors, such as Stella Chess, who
have published extensively in the professional literature. In
a surprising number, neither masturbation nor sex is listed
in the index. This is especially so in books about the Montessori
method. This method suggests that children who are
well occupied manipulating objects should never need to
manipulate themselves. Young minds are more profitably
directed toward academic pursuits, and eroticism constitutes
an uneconomical pastime. Is this again the "fatal drain"?
Most prominently on the shelf in the bookstore is Dr. Benjamin
Spock's time-tested Baby and Child Care. This has
been the parent's bible for two generations. The near-perfect
face of a white infant still smiles merrily from the cover in
spite of heightened racial consciousness.
Well recognized for his scope and common sense, Spock
devotes four and one half pages to the subject of masturbation
in each of the 1968 and 1976 revisions.
He states:
"We were all brought up to be disturbed by it, and we can never
unlearn that. ... It's quite appropriate when a mother discovers
a child in sex play to give him the idea that she doesn't
want him to do it anymore, in a tone that implies that this
will help him to stop." In 1976, Spock advocates an individual
approach and speaks of his own concern for the neighbors'
disapproval. Mothers can remonstrate mildly, "It isn't
polite," or "Most fathers and mothers don't want their children
to play this way," or "I don't like to see you doing it," or
"That kind of play is for grownups, not for children." He indicates
that shooing a child out to some other activity is usually
enough to stop sex play for a long time in a normal*
child.
In both editions he describes the toddler's interest in sex
as a wholesome but transient curiosity. A fifteen-month-old
girl, sitting on the potty, may explore herself for a few seconds
at a time. Distracting the child with a toy is permissible
but not always necessary.