This talk about anatomy inspired Erica

This talk about anatomy inspired Erica.She described a large bowel movement she had produced that morning. With obvious relish, she placed a baby doll on a potty chair and scolded him for going "poop" in his pants. The baby doll was her baby brother. This was normal play for a five-year-old, and I was tempted to conclude that molestation had not occurred. After all, wouldn't Erica be more upset if something had really happened? I was about to end the session when I happened to think that any police officer could have questioned Erica more thoroughly.

Made bold by self-criticism, I took brush in hand and drew a male figure in profile, complete with a large, protruding phallus. Erica watched intently. "Did you ever see one like this?" I asked. "That looks like Tommy's ‘squirt dickie' when he tickles me," was her reply. The rest was easy. It was a nice "squirt dickie," it only felt good, and Tommy always stopped when she wished. Tommy told her not to tell Mommy because Mommy would be mad. When I commented that her mommy and the police were worried, she said she had told Tommy not to do that anymore. I reassured her that feeling good was nice, but that it was right not to worry Mommy too. Later in my report I indicated that Erica and Tommy had been involved in normal, noncoercive sex play, and that Erica showed no sign of emotional damage.

Far from having been frightened or upset by my inquiry, Erica was relieved that someone understood and disappointed that she wouldn't see me again. Had I dealt with my own embarrassment earlier in the session, I would have had time to discuss other important matters, such as Erica's perception of her own genitals, and how she felt about her brother's penis.

Shame about sex takes several years to develop. Preschool children are usually relieved when an adult will talk about sex, as long as the adult doesn't have a hidden agenda. The willingness to share affords great comfort and encourages the child to explore his feelings and perceptions further. Older, school-age children are more suspicious. They wonder why the adult is suddenly interested. Perhaps they were seen experimenting with a friend in the bush or spied upon while looking at dirty pictures. What's the parent after, anyway? School-age children need reassurance and a matter-offact, casual approach. Special techniques will be described later.

The first attempt at really talking about sex may seem earthshaking to you but can be pleasurable and comforting for your child. Be prepared for some startling misconceptions. My first session with my own children was a revelation. My six-year-old thought that babies resulted from kissing. My five-year-old wondered if boys have to pull on their penis in order to start the stream of urine. My sophisticated ten-year-old had once assumed that girls had a retractable penis they pushed out at will, like a bowel movement. At first, the parent learns more than the child.

Parents who have been raised in sexually repressive homes may sense acute anxiety when they speak about eroticism. This can be inadvertently communicated to children by a slight frown, phrases rapidly repeated, a higher-pitched voice, or an insistence on learning the correct facts about sex. Children perceive the parents' ambivalence accurately and attempt to guess the reason. This then becomes a source of additional misinterpretations. Parents with this difficulty need to resolve their own anxieties in order to deal constructively with their children. Either individual therapy or the new sex therapies may alleviate the problem and enabled a more positive approach.

Most of the chapters that follow recommend certain approaches or tasks designed to develop eroticism in the child. Some may seem distasteful or disgusting. No one exercise, or even series of exercises, is essential to the erotic health of the child. Elect only those suggestions which are comfortable for you. The others are valuable in initiating the rethinking and exploration of your own perceptions. Your attitude toward children's sex is crucial, and like it or not, you communicate that attitude to your children every day.